Have you ever witnessed other people’s relationships and wondered, “How are they even together?!” You might have been watching a different type of preferred conflict style play out right before your eyes! Many folks I work with as a therapist are afraid of conflict in their relationships and it can bring up fears and insecurities. But conflict is inevitable and often necessary.
As you learn more, you’ll see that even high-conflict relationships can be happy and stable when you and your partner(s) learn how to navigate conflict with skill while maintaining positivity. Conflict can even deepen your intimacy and connections! So, let’s get into different conflict styles in relationships.
Relationship Style Research
After decades of research, The Gottman Institute has been able to categorize couples into 5 main types:
Conflict-avoiding
Validating
Volatile
Hostile, and
Hostile-detached.
The first three, if the partners in the relationship maintain a 5-to-1 positive affect ratio (even during conflict), are considered “happy” and stable. However, if the positive effect ratio is below .8-to-1, any relationship can fail. Hostile relationships can be stable too, but they are typically not happy. Hostile-detached types, which are often mismatched in preferred conflict styles, tend to predict divorce.
Conflict-avoider Style in Relationships
Conflict-avoiders don’t enjoy disagreement. You might be thinking, “Who does?” But these folks will minimize persuasion attempts, avoid bringing up what they need, and call it “happy” despite their discomfort. This tends to result in more independence. “We’re just different people with different interests, no problems here!” They use strategies like agreeing to disagree and believing the passage of time will solve their problems. These types tend to feel that anger is dangerous and avoid exposing their relationship to negative emotions.
This doesn’t mean that these folks don’t feel connected or shared areas of responsibility where they are interdependent. They can be caring, roll with the punches, and tend to focus on the positive. However, this also doesn’t mean that they are experiencing optimal levels of positivity and intimacy. I often invite these folks to notice what they think, feel, want, need, etc. and encourage them to share more with their partner(s) to avoid resentment building up between them.
Volatile Style in Relationships
These folks are the opposite of the conflict-avoiders. They are intensely emotional, enjoy a good argument, and because they’re keeping their conflict positive, they can feel very connected despite the spicy communication. The volatile conflict style is distinct from hostile relationships because they use humor, are not disrespectful, and despite the intense energy, it is often in good fun.
These couples are often energized by their debates. They value being direct, honest and they are not afraid of anger or emotions. Because they share so much of their passion and often seek to persuade the other, boundaries can be weak. As a relationship therapist, I like helping these couples focus on cultivating interdependence without enmeshment.
Validating Style in Conflict in Relationships
While conflict-avoidant, volatile, and validating couples can all be happy and stable, validating styles tend to have the best outcomes. This conflict type is all about connectedness and compromise. While there is room to express anger and negative emotions, they are good listeners and because they are willing to understand the other, conflict is less likely to escalate. They also tend to be good at picking their battles. They may still try to persuade, but it is not necessary for them to struggle with every topic.
This style is defined by its ease, calm, and neutrality. I primarily attribute this to their ability to self-soothe. This allows them to be empathetic and supportive of their partner(s) feelings. When they do engage in conflict, they can be competitive and stubborn so it can be valuable to point them back to their ability to compromise.
Hostile Style in Relationships
Hostile relationships share a number of traits with validating couples, but they tend to exhibit high levels of defensiveness. Other traits of the “four horsemen” are also present including criticism (“you always” and “you never”). These folks struggle to support or understand their partner(s) and can exhibit contempt by believing they’re always right.
A strength of this type is that individuals do manage to keep their negativity under control enough to stay together. However, they are perpetually in conflict. I’m sure everyone knows “that couple” that stayed together despite seeming very unhappy. These folks need help holding space for their own vulnerability and learn to take responsibility for how they are contributing to the relationship dynamic.
Hostile-detached Style in Relationships
These couples are stuck in what we call negative sentiment override. They are entrenched in their relative perspectives, view their partner as the enemy, and are constantly in attack mode. They've been so hurt, it is often difficult for these folks to find the desire to be vulnerable or find empathy for the other. The difference between hostile (validator-avoider) and hostile-detached (validator-volatile) is that hostile couples are regulating their negativity to some extent while hostile-detached folks do not.
People in these types of relationships often feel lonely and are withdrawn from their relationships. Because these couples lack trust, are extremely negative, and allow their negativity to escalate beyond their window of tolerance, they become very divorce-prone.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Again, all relationship styles require a focus on positive interactions and skills for navigating conflict in a healthy way. If you notice that problematic behaviors are showing up consistently or if the “four horsemen” are always present during the conflict, you may want to consider getting some support.
At Catalyss Counseling, we offer couples therapy and relationship counseling for folks who need support navigating challenges or who simply want to improve their relationships. We also offer Relationship Process Groups that can help you recognize patterns and practice new ways of being when communicating with others.
If you’re interested in Couples Counseling, book a free 20-minute phone consultation, and get started today!
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Author Biography
Jessica Carpenter is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who works with adults who have experienced stress, grief, trauma, and a variety of relationship issues, including communication and conflict resolution, jealousy and betrayal, affair recovery, LGBTQIA+ community, and polyamory/non-monogamy. Jessica is also a licensed massage therapist, yoga therapist, and TRE provider. She is passionate about making wellness accessible to everyone. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.
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