Relationships are a complicated thing. Maybe you're feeling like your relationship is going well, but you notice one or two issues that keep popping up. It feels frustrating seeing how good you are together, yet you’re stuck in this loop.
“We’re so great together, we just need to work on communicating.” Sound familiar? You feel like your relationship is healthy, yet you wonder if there are better ways to talk and connect with your partner. Maybe things felt so easy before, and now it feels more like work. You want to return to that place of ease, love, and strength.
Relationship therapy is often viewed as a last-ditch effort to save a failing relationship. You might ask yourself: can relationship counseling help if our relationship is healthy? The short answer: yes!
What Issues Pop Up in Healthy Relationships?
You want closeness and connection, but it seems like the harder you try, the further you get away from it. Maybe in hindsight, this issue seems simple, but in the moment the cycle repeats itself. Emotions run high, regrettable words are said, space is taken, and an apology follows. Yet, you still feel like something isn't quite right.
Over time, these repeated issues can start to wear away the connection you have with your partner(s). What started out as something small turns into repeated big fights where you’re left feeling hurt and disconnected. Maybe it's even interfering with the way that you see your partner and you notice yourself having a negative view of them, instead of a positive one.
Conflict is one of the biggest players in the health and success of a relationship. Without mastering healthy, productive conflict, even the healthiest relationships will face a rocky road ahead.
What Does Healthy, Productive Conflict Look Like?
Healthy productive conflict looks like coming to a place of understanding and change that benefits all parties. This involves listening to understand instead of listening to respond. You view your partner as a teammate from a positive lens, instead of viewing them as the problem.
Imagine you are a small child running and playing. You trip and fall and scrape your knee. It hurts. What do you need in this situation? You need someone to say, “Ouch, that looked painful! How can I help?” Maybe you are offered a hand to help you get up, a hug, or you’re offered a bandage.
In this situation, you value being seen, heard, and understood. You know that the other person sees that you're in pain, and wants to help you feel better and move on. How can you bring the same mentality into your relationships?
See, Hear, and Understand (or, Offer a Bandage!)
Next time you and your partner are talking, try to fully listen to understand, instead of to respond. A great way to practice this is by listening in such a way that you could repeat a paraphrased version of what the other person said. After, ask your partner what it was like to be listened to in that way.
Ask “Do you want support or advice?”
When your partner comes to you with a problem, pause before jumping into problem-solving mode. Try asking if it would be helpful for them to have a listening ear or to provide advice or solutions. Of course, you don't want your partner to continue suffering, so you want to help them find solutions. However, this can push your partner away instead of bringing you closer together – try being curious about what they need!
Increase Your Positivity
John and Julie Gottman, two world-renowned relationship therapists and researchers, speak about a positivity-to-negativity ratio in relationships. Simply, how many positive interactions are needed in a healthy relationship for every negative interaction?
20:1 is the magic number of positive to negative, as a whole. In times of conflict, this ratio shifts to 5:1. Meaning that, even during conflict, there needs to be moments of positivity!
Increase positivity by sending heartfelt messages or leaving a sweet sticky note for your person. Even if it’s something as simple as “I’m thinking about you”, this can have lasting positive effects on your relationship!
During a conflict, try adding words of appreciation like, “Thank you for bringing this to me so we can come closer together.” Try small gestures of physical touch, like touch your partner’s arms to let them know you’re there with them.
Seek Relationship Therapy, Individual Counseling, or Group Therapy
Noticing repeat issues or difficulty during conflict is not an indication of a failed relationship, or that you have failed as a partner. Often, we have communication patterns ingrained that can be very difficult to change. Your brain can be very resistant to change, especially when it involves something as high stakes as your loved one!
Relationship counseling can be very effective even if things aren't feeling dangerously rocky. It can be a way to give your relationship the preventative care that it needs so that you can continue being strong together. Individual counseling can be an excellent option as well as you can do deeper work to uncover unhelpful communication patterns, past trauma, and to heal old relationship wounds.
On top of offering individual and relationship counseling, check out group counseling options. The Relationship Process Group at Catalyss Counseling allows you to take an in-depth look at your communication patterns, the way that you show up in your relationships, and the way that your words and actions are perceived by others. Support groups can also be an excellent way to nurture your relationships by providing you with the support you need going forward.
Patience is Key
Relationships are a challenging part of life and it takes patience and courage to commit to making changes. Be patient and kind to yourself; just keep putting one foot in front of th
How We Can Help
If you are looking for support, or if you would like to talk to someone more about how we can help you, follow these simple steps:
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Begin your journey towards a calmer, more relaxed life
Other Therapy Services Available at Catalyss Counseling:
Here at Catalyss Counseling, we want to meet all of your counseling needs in the Denver area. Our supportive therapists provide depression counseling, therapy for caregiver stress, grief and loss therapy, stress management counseling, and more. We also have specialists in trauma and PTSD, women's issues, pregnancy and postpartum depression or anxiety, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and birth trauma. For therapists, we can also provide clinical supervision! We look forward to connecting with you to help support your journey today.
Author Biography
Frankie Washofsky is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who works with adults experiencing anxiety, depression, and ADHD, as well as relationship, LGBTQIA+, and polyamory/non-monogamous issues. Frankie is also an avid gamer and blog author. She specializes in working with trauma survivors, highly-sensitive people, and people-pleasers. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.