How to Argue Like Grown-Ups: Couples Edition

A couple looking to argue like grown-ups by examining the Gottman method in order to practice strengthening their conflict

Let’s face it—every couple argues. It’s not a matter of if, but when, how, and whether you both survive it without needing to apologize for things said and unsaid. The truth is, arguing well is a skill. A really grown-up, emotionally mature, high-level relationship skill. And like any good skill, it can be learned.

You can’t escape conflict. But you can absolutely learn to fight fair, connect more deeply, and actually feel closer after an argument. (Yes, seriously.)

Let’s break down how to argue like grown-ups, in a way that keeps love intact and resentment far, far away.

Step 1: Start Soft, Not Sharp

According to John and Julie Gottman who are premier couples researchers and therapists, one of the biggest predictors of a fight going sideways is how it starts. Dr. John Gottman calls it the “harsh startup.” That’s when your argument begins with blame, criticism, or sarcasm. (Spoiler alert: it never ends well.)

Try this instead: Start with a soft startup. That means expressing how you feel and what you need—without attacking.

For example:

Not-so-soft: “You never listen to me!”
Soft startup: “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard. Can we talk for a few minutes about something important to me?”

Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Every time.

Step 2: Avoid the Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom

Gottman identified four habits that spell trouble in any relationship. They’re called the Four Horsemen (yes, like the apocalypse). Avoid these, and you're already halfway to arguing like emotionally evolved humans.

The Four Horsemen:

Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character (“You’re so selfish”).
Contempt – Eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling (basically, being a jerk).
Defensiveness – “It’s not my fault!” or “You do it too!”
Stonewalling – Shutting down, going silent, walking away mid-argument.

Each has an antidote. Yes, like an emotional snake bite kit:

Criticism? Try using “I” statements and a specific need.
Contempt? Build a culture of appreciation and respect.
Defensiveness? Take responsibility for your part.
Stonewalling? Take a break and come back when you’re calm.

Step 3: Take a Break Before You Break Something

You know that moment when your heart’s racing, your fists are clenched, and you’ve forgotten what the fight was even about? That’s your cue: take a break.

This is called self-soothing in Gottman terms. It’s not avoidance. It’s wisdom.

Say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take 20 minutes and come back to this?”
Then go do something calming (not stewing silently in another room).

Pro tip: Don’t use breaks to silently rehearse your next verbal zinger. Use them to chill. Literally. Cold water, fresh air, a silly cat video—whatever resets your nervous system.

Step 4: Stick to One Fight at a Time

You’re arguing about the dishes. Suddenly, you're also arguing about that thing from 2018. And your mother-in-law. And your birthday two years ago.

Don’t do this.

Arguing like grown-ups means sticking to one issue at a time. You’re not loading the dishwasher and your emotional laundry.

Remember:

If it starts with dishes, end with dishes.
Keep your fight focused. Write other frustrations down if they pop up—address them later.

Clarity is kindness, even in conflict.

Step 5: Repair Often. Like, A Lot.

Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict—they make regular repairs. A repair is anything that helps de-escalate tension or show you're still on the same team.

Repairs can look like:

“That came out wrong. Let me try again.”
“We’re getting off track. Can we rewind?”
A hand on the shoulder. A raised white flag. A really terrible joke.

Repairs don’t mean giving up your point. They just help you stay connected while disagreeing. Grown-up couples argue with love, not just logic.

Step 6: Don’t Try to “Win”

This one’s hard, especially if you're competitive (you know who you are). But in couples work, if one person wins, the relationship loses.

You’re not debating in front of a judge. You’re trying to understand, not destroy. Winning an argument might feel good in the moment, but it leaves your partner feeling like the loser. And resentment loves to grow in those cracks.

Instead, try to seek understanding, even when you disagree. Ask:

“What’s really important to you here?”
“What’s the part I’m not seeing?”

Curiosity beats combat. Every time.

Step 7: Find the Meaning Beneath the Fight

Gottman says that many perpetual conflicts stem from deeper differences—values, dreams, needs, or unspoken fears. So if you keep circling the same argument, try asking what’s underneath.

Maybe the fight about money is actually about safety. Maybe the fight about sex is about feeling wanted. Maybe the fight about time together is about feeling prioritized.

Go deeper. That’s where intimacy lives.

Quick Recap: Couples Arguing 101

Here’s a quick summary for managing conflict that doesn’t destroy your weekend (or your relationship):

Start soft, not sharp.
Ditch the Four Horsemen.
Take breaks when flooded.
Stick to one issue at a time.
Make repair attempts early and often.
Don’t aim to win. Aim to understand.
Get curious about what’s under the fight.

Arguing like grown-ups doesn’t mean you stop arguing. It means you argue with care, connection, and emotional maturity. And if that sounds impossible right now, don’t worry. These are learnable skills. With help, practice, and maybe a couples therapist in your corner, you’ll be well on your way.

And hey, even grown-ups mess up sometimes. That’s what apologizing is for. Bonus grown-up points if you can do it without muttering.

How We Can Help:

If you need an outside perspective or additional support in helping you and your partner manage conflict, consider engaging in couples counseling. If you are located in Colorado, reach out today for a free 20-minute phone consultation to learn more about our compassionate couples therapists. We’d love to help you strengthen your relationship and learn new tools for those arguments you’re bound to have!

The owner of Catalyss Counseling, Shannon Heers, located in Englewood CO and serving all of Colorado through online therapy and in person counseling.

Author Biography

Shannon Heers is a psychotherapist, approved clinical supervisor with Firelight Supervision, guest blogger, and the owner of a group psychotherapy practice in the Denver area. Shannon helps adults in professional careers manage anxiety, depression, work-life balance, and grief and loss. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.