Why Avoidance is a Natural and Often Unhelpful Reaction to Discomfort(And What Can You Do Instead)

Avoidance is a completely natural and often automatic process of trying to protect yourself from something painful, uncomfortable, unpleasant, or inconvenient. We all do it everyday and it isn’t inherently good or bad. I like to think of it in terms of helpful and unhelpful.

There are certainly instances when avoiding something can be helpful, such as waking up early to avoid rush hour traffic so you can start your day with less unnecessary stress. However, there are other times when it can potentially be unhelpful such as waking up early to avoid seeing your partner so you don’t have to feel guilty about spending so much time at work. 

Why Are You Avoiding?

To figure out if you are engaging in helpful or unhelpful avoidance, a good place to start is to examine the reason why you are avoiding something and identify what the potential consequences are. In the scenario above, waking up early to avoid traffic in the morning, the reason you are avoiding traffic is to protect yourself from experiencing stress and the main consequence is that you get less sleep.

In the other scenario of waking up early to avoid your partner, you are avoiding the discomfort of feeling guilty. The consequences of this might include creating distance or tension in your relationship and possibly reducing your confidence in handling uncomfortable emotions, such as guilt in other situations, likely leading to more avoidant behaviors.

Which of these two examples of avoidance sounds more helpful or unhelpful and why do you think that is?

To be quite honest, I found myself avoiding writing this blog about avoidance. Ironic, I know! While I am passionate about this topic and wanted to share my thoughts on the matter, as the days went by it felt difficult to motivate myself to sit down and start writing. Eventually, I knew I had to start somewhere and took a moment to first explore what experience I was trying to avoid.

I discovered that the discomfort I was avoiding was rooted in a fear of failure and judgment. I noticed a thought that said if I couldn’t write this blog exactly as I had imagined it in my head then that would mean I had failed and I would judge myself harshly. Essentially I was avoiding finding out if that thought was true and spoiler alert, it wasn’t!

Avoidance in the form of procrastination is a very common experience, especially when it comes to doing something creative or vulnerable where we risk failure or judgment.

Something interesting happened when I sat down and faced the discomfort of what I was trying to avoid. My discomfort actually got smaller and more tolerable! By naming it and making room for it to be part of my experience, I was freed up from trying to push it away or pretend it wasn’t there.

I validated why I was avoiding the discomfort of possible failure and judgment, and reminded myself that avoiding it wasn’t helping make it go away, it was actually making it worse. Guess what happened next? I was able to actually start writing. Then I felt more confident that although there was some discomfort present, I knew that I could handle it. The more I wrote and accepted the discomfort I was feeling, the more the discomfort began to dissipate until it was barely noticeable.

Avoidance is a Natural Response: Thank You, Brain!

So, why is avoidance such a natural and automatic response to discomfort? Over time, our species has evolved to survive in the face of major and minor threats to existence. In order to do that, we developed a nifty automatic function of self-preservation and protection. Basically, your brain has learned that it is beneficial to avoid potential threats or danger. Thus, your more primitive (older) brain structures don’t always do the best job of discerning between danger and discomfort.

In the past it was likely helpful, and life-saving, to avoid going to areas where a predator might be waiting to hunt you or to avoid questioning the authority of your group because there could be severe consequences. Your brain developed a nice little shortcut that interprets any sign of danger as a threat, triggering the self-protective function of avoidance.

However, in our modern world, we often face more minor threats that lean towards discomfort rather than overt danger. Not to say that you haven’t or won’t face actual life-threatening danger! Depending where you live in the world you may be facing such danger daily, in which case avoiding threatening people, places, and situations is probably the best thing you can do.

But, what if the “danger” you are avoiding is asking someone out on a date or talking to your partner or boss about something that is bothering you? Your brain might interpret these uncomfortable situations as dangerous, and tell you to avoid them at all costs. If you notice yourself avoiding conflict or other experiences that aren’t actually dangerous, maybe just uncomfortable, this might start causing problems in your relationships, at work, and in your ability to live authentically and get your needs met.

Here is where it can be helpful to say “Thank you, brain!” You might be able to actually notice your brain do this - maybe it feels like a warning alarm or flashing light saying be careful, that feels dangerous. Next time you notice this, try thanking your brain for trying to protect you and then determine if there is actual danger present or just discomfort.

Examples of Avoidant Behavior

Do any of these different types of avoidant behavior ring a bell for you?

• People Pleasing: going out of your way to please others, often at the expense of being true to yourself and getting your needs met.

• Perfectionism: believing that you can achieve perfection and tying your worth to your ability to perform or produce.

• Substance Abuse: using substances to intentionally alter your mood, and avoid feeling something uncomfortable, despite severe consequences.

• Self-sabotage: making choices that are harmful to avoid the pressure of living up to your potential.

• Isolation: distancing yourself from your support system so you don’t have to feel like a burden or face judgment from others.

• Procrastination: putting off doing something you need to do because it is uncomfortable in some way (challenging, boring, unfamiliar, time consuming, etc.)

What Experience Are You Trying to Avoid? 

Oftentimes you are avoiding an internal experience (thought, feeling, or sensation) that is triggered by something external. You might avoid certain situations that trigger challenging emotions such as sadness, fear, rejection, loneliness, failure etc. Below are a few common experiences you might avoid. 

• Conflict

• Disappointing someone

• Setting a boundary

• Being abandoned

• Sitting with your thoughts

• Being in your body

• Facing a hard truth about yourself

• Responsibility

• Failure

• Success

Can you think of any other situations that you tend to avoid?

What is the Cost of Unhelpful Avoidance?

As mentioned earlier, there are definitely circumstances when it might be appropriate and even beneficial to avoid certain people, places, and situations. Examples can be when you feel you might be in danger, or directly following a loss of a loved one or a traumatic event. Other examples might be more practical like avoiding going shopping if you’re trying to cut back on spending.

However, avoidance becomes unhelpful when it stands in the way of living the life you want to live. It often keeps you stuck in destructive patterns which can halt personal growth and change. It can also promote psychological rigidity, a term coined by Steven C. Hayes, one of the founders of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). 

“Psychological rigidity is at its core an attempt to avoid negative thoughts and feelings caused by difficult experiences, both when they occur and in our memory of them.” - Steven C. Hayes

What Can You Do Instead of Avoiding Discomfort?

On the other side of avoidance lies a more helpful and adaptive response to discomfort that we can call acceptance. Before I go any further, I want to take a moment to talk about what acceptance is and what it isn’t. Acceptance does not mean you agree with or like your uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or experiences… you simply make room for them.

When you accept something, it doesn’t mean you give it the power to define who you are or dictate what you do. You simply accept that discomfort is a natural part of your experience as a human and drop the rope trying to fight against it or avoid it.

Believe it or not, avoiding something actually takes a lot of energy and can be quite draining. For example, imagine if in order to not feel an uncomfortable emotion such as guilt you had to literally use your arm to push it away the entire day… I’m guessing your arm wouldn’t even last a whole day, I know mine wouldn’t.

When you avoid discomfort this is what you are asking your brain to do, to constantly push against or protect you from something you don’t want to experience. This exhaustion can leave you feeling empty, tired, sluggish and unable to fully experience what the present moment has to offer.

When you practice acceptance and make space for discomfort, you free yourself up from trying to run, hide, and push against your experience. This increases your ability to tolerate discomfort so you can more flexibly respond when it arises. Then you can choose to do what is most aligned with how you want to feel and act in life.

In order to practice acceptance, it is important to develop helpful and sustainable coping strategies to manage the possible distress of facing discomfort. Avoidance is a very natural coping mechanism because it is highly accessible and effective in the short term. If you don’t face it, then you don’t have to deal with feeling the discomfort that it causes. If you are trying to reduce your use of avoidance, you need other ways to cope with discomfort that are more helpful in the long term. 

Helpful Coping Strategies:

• Reading

• Journaling

• Deep breathing

• Creative/artistic activities

• Movement

• Taking a shower or bath

• Talking to a friend

• Cuddling with a pet or blanket

• Smelling something pleasant

• Engaging in individual or group counseling

What are some of your favorite ways to deal with discomfort?

Making the Shift from Avoidance to Acceptance

To help put it all together, I am going to share a simplified example of avoidance from my own life and attempt to describe how I shifted toward acceptance.

I love to cook but a messy kitchen is extremely uncomfortable for me. I notice that sometimes I will avoid cooking in order to protect myself from having to deal with the discomfort of a dirty kitchen. How does this affect me? Cooking is a satisfying creative experience for me and is one activity that allows me to fully tune into my senses and find a state of flow. Giving this up leaves me feeling frustrated and stuck, like there is no outlet for my creative expression.

How do I begin to accept the discomfort of a dirty kitchen so that I can experience the benefits of cooking? Here’s what I can do:

• Acknowledge my discomfort: “Hey, I notice that I feel really uncomfortable when the kitchen is dirty.”

• Validate: “It makes sense that a dirty kitchen bothers me because when my environment is messy or dirty I feel a lack of control and attribute it to my own personal failing.”

• Ask myself: “What am I trying to protect myself from by avoiding this?” In this scenario, I am protecting myself from feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and like a failure.

Next, I practice safely inviting acceptance in. Here’s what that looks like for this example.

I start practicing acceptance by slowly increasing my ability to tolerate the discomfort of a messy kitchen. I might begin by seeing if I can handle leaving the kitchen messy for 20 minutes after I cook so that I can enjoy my meal and be in the present moment. Gradually I increase this by maybe leaving a few dishes in the sink overnight.

When the discomfort arises I can practice taking a few deep breaths and reminding myself that I’m not in any danger and I am not a failure if the kitchen is dirty. I can engage in something I enjoy doing like reading a book, talking to a friend, taking a bath, or going for a walk.

What is the outcome?

I have found that by accepting the fact that if I cook the kitchen will inevitably get dirty, it frees me up to handle the discomfort in more helpful ways. I might still experience some discomfort but it feels easier to tolerate it and I no longer avoid cooking to avoid this internal experience of discomfort. In the end, I am able to do something I really enjoy and accept that for me a messy kitchen = discomfort, and that’s okay.

Take it Home

• What patterns of avoidance do you notice in your life?

• Can you identify what discomfort you are trying to avoid?

• What are the consequences of this avoidant behavior? 

• What does the avoidance hold you back from doing, feeling, or experiencing?

• What would it feel like to release judgment about your experience and validate your discomfort?

• How might you respond with compassion in the face of discomfort rather than criticism?

• How can you make space for the discomfort, inviting in more acceptance that it is safe and natural to feel discomfort? 

• How can you let your brain and body know that it’s okay to feel discomfort when you are not in any real danger?

• What helpful and sustainable coping strategies can help you move through discomfort in the short term to achieve your goals for the growth, change, or healing you desire in the long term?

If this sounds like something that would be helpful for you to practice in your own life but you’re not sure where to start, Catalyss Counseling offers individual counseling and group therapy services to adults in Colorado that can provide the support you need to get started!

You can book a free 20-minute consultation to learn more about the services we offer and be matched with a therapist based on your unique concerns and goals. Therapy can be an amazing resource to increase your tolerance of discomfort and help you get unstuck so you can start living the life you want to live today!

How We Can Help

If you are looking for general support, or if you would like to talk to someone more about how we can help you, follow these simple steps:

1. Contact us today for a free 20-minute phone consultation

2. Or, you can book directly online with the therapist of your choice

3. Begin your journey towards a calmer, more relaxed life

Other Therapy Services Available at Catalyss Counseling:

Here at Catalyss Counseling, we want to meet all of your counseling needs in the Denver area. Our supportive therapists provide depression counseling, therapy for caregiver stress, grief and loss therapy, stress management counseling, and more. We also have specialists in trauma and PTSD, women's issues, pregnancy and postpartum depression or anxiety, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and birth trauma. For therapists, we can also provide clinical supervision! We look forward to connecting with you to help support your journey today.

Author Biography

Juliette Brown is a therapist at Catalyss Counseling. She works with adults with depression, anxiety, and grief to find new ways of thinking, feeling, and acting so they can experience greater joy and authenticity in their everyday lives. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.